Today was Father's Day! Today, for me, Fathers Day is full of emotion, mixed feelings, but mostly love and gratitude. The idea of what a "Father" is to me has changed completely and drastically throughout my life. The man that I thought was suppose to be my father growing up left and gave up custody of me when I was a young girl, leaving my sister and I. My mother had already left him due to emotional and physical abuse that I didn't realize was abnormal at such a young age. This change in my life was the least damaging as one might think, although I have dealt with the hurt and confusion of "why 'daddy' didn't want me anymore"…
My mother remarried a wonderful man…not a "perfect" man (which by the way they don't exist except for that one guy that is the reason why we celebrate Easter and Christmas) but he is a good dad. I also had my maternal grandfather who was nurturing and a great example of a father and husband.
The emotions that are brought about on the day that we honor these men in our lives stem from two separate ordeals.
The first was when my grandfather, whom we lived with at the time due to illnesses in the family, died at an early age and quite unexpected. This was a HUGE and Hard blow on all of us in the family.
He was the one that we looked up to…He was the pillar in the family, the christian role-model and the glue that repaired and kept us together.
His absence was evident.
Grandma was more and more reclusive and gave-up on a lot of enjoyments which ultimately lead to her mental decline and development of Dementia. My mother, who has emotional and physical ailments herself became unsocial and reclusive herself. My dad (who was at one time my "step-dad" who loved my sister and I so much that he wanted to adopt us as his own legally and is now not only my legal father, but the only father that I will ever acknowledge on earth) became socially uneasy, and had a hard time "trying" to fill the shoes of my grandfather that he so dearly admired and loved.
My sister and I…well, our hearts were crushed.
This was our first experience of death. To loose someone at an age that is tender and impressionable (I was 15 and my sister was 13) it takes a toll on your emotions, your mind and your ideas of the future and life in general. He passed so fast that I wasn't even able to say 'good-bye' to him. My parents sent me off to school the morning that my grandfather was going into emergency surgery…maybe they thought he'd be okay…maybe they knew the extent of what was going on and didn't want me to be in the way…what ever, I wasn't there. As soon as I got off the bus at school my dad was at the school to pick me up and give me the news that grandpa died.
I can still feel that part of my heart that will never heal from the loss.
The second traumatic experience that rocked my world and the idea of 'father' was when my dad (who had been on a downward spiral since my grandfather passed) thought that his only way out of debt was to attempt to rob a federal bank that he had been employed and had recently been let go.
He, at the time had become quite emotionally and mentally unstable…making off the wall decisions that were unrational and neurotic. He became very confrontational and accusatory at the smallest whim. I avoided him a lot while I lived at home, and avoided any real contact for the majority of the time after I moved out and a few hours away. I married the love of my life in 2003 and it was then that I became aware that things were not really 'right' with my dad when little things he was doing were not making sense (like purchasing soda cans and emptying them for hanging behind our wedding vehicle, when not only did he have a ton of empty ones in his garage for recycling but they fell off the car within a hundred yards). He had major debt, a wife that couldn't work due to physical disabilities, and doctors that only cared to hand drug after drug after drug to my dad for each and every symptom that ailed him.
I'll never forget the day (which happened to be on St.Patricks Day) when my sister called me at work hysterical. I will never forget feeling like my life had hit a head-on brick wall. This changed everything, and everyone around me.
It changed my perception of love, life, people and God.
This poor decision costed my dad almost 10 years of his life in federal prison, almost his marriage, relationships were strained if not deminished and many other challenges…
But, you know what?! It may seem hard to believe, but God worked so much good out of it!
Though it was a struggle, my dad was able to rid himself of ALL the medications that he was previously on. But, most importantly he found God again…he found forgiveness again…he found Love again…True Love…the source in which love is created. He found the faith in Christ that he had been ignoring and so desperately needed.
He and mom worked things out (THAT was a huge ordeal…mom was completely and totally hurt and was scared as well to continue a relationship with someone that she saw so little within the ten years that he was incarcerated…but, with prayer and encouragement, she braved through it all and stood by him), and since he's been out he has found friends, a new found commitment in Christ and the Church, he has a job and is providing a wonderful and good-clean life for him and my mom.
Most importantly, he's the dad that I remember as a kid. He's the dad that I remember loving me enough to make me legally his own. He's the dad that prays for me and my family, encourages me, my faith and my talents. He's the dad that God intended me to have on this earth.
So many questions of 'what if's' tend to haunt us if we allow…but my what if's tend to bring nothing but gratitude to my heart. If I hadn't chosen to forgive, what type of effect would that have had on me? On my mom? on my dad? on my sister? (who, by the way, wanted hardly anything to do with my dad until he was actually released from prison…her perspective on events were different and she experienced far more crazy/bad behavior on my dad's part). Would I be the person I am today if I hadn't gone through what I did? Would I have the compassion for the suffering? Would I be able to see others as I do now or would I feel justified in judging? Would I be able to forgive as easily? Would I be able to see the bigger picture in other peoples lives as easily?
During all of this I became a mother of two beautiful and amazing children, which means that my wonderful husband has become a father.
My husband is a better father to my children than I could have ever imagined. He has been present and active in parenting since the beginning. He loves our children with unconditional love, encourages them, shows them proper ethics and morality, and shares in loving discipline.
Here are a few 'older' pictures of my beautiful family.
All-in-All, my idea of what a father is has been a positive one…but, as much as the world might disagree, I believe that the main reason why my idea of "fatherhood" has impacted me positively and molded me into who I am today is because the men in my life have and still do try to emulate the ultimate father…God, himself.
They're not perfect, they're human after all, but God knew what He was doing when directing the men in my life to be the men they are and have been…and I wouldn't change a thing!
On an ending note…there are many out in the world who have had horrible experiences with their fathers, with men who were suppose to be a father, and the idea of what a father is suppose to be is distorted and screwed; to those people my heart aches for. I know the longing for the love of a father. I know the emptiness of the absence of a father. I know the hurt when a man who was suppose to be there for you is no longer there and leaves by choice (and even not by choice). There is healing to be made in you…if you allow it.
First is forgiveness…it's not a free pass for the person that hurt you, but rather a new set of tracks for you without the weight of cargo that follows behind. Forgiveness is the hardest step, and the most necessary.
It's a daily thing…but it gets easier.
Ephesians 4:32
