Day #1 : Healing With Juicing

So, I have finally received the funds that I need to venture on my own to try to accomplish healing with nature and the God-given materials that the land around us provides. I believe that there is a purpose for everything and a use for everything. I take this notion literally.
I am a person who suffers from Ulcerative Colitis. Because of this disease that I have been diagnose with for about fourteen years, I have had many flare-ups, been on numerous drugs and steroids (including immune suppressors), have had undetected allergic reactions to drugs, and times when my quality of life was low…very low.
I have decided that, although there are some really wonderful doctors out there and they really do know a lot about the disease, there is only so much that they can do. Especially when they have many other patients…how on earth can they concentrate on what is the perfect solution for just one particular individual? (Not to mention the pharmaceutical corporations that pay doctors to use their products on us.)
So…I have started juicing.
NOW!… I am going to clear something up really quickly. A lot of times when I talk to other people about juicing, there is a bit of confusion about what juicing really is.

1. Juicing:

Juicing is the process of extracting juice from plant tissues such as fruit or vegetables.

Many times I get people who think that juicing has something to do with using their blender, bullet or Vitamix. But in fact, that is not juicing at all. Using a blender, bullet or Vitamix blends your fruits and vegetables and incorporates the pulp in what you'll be consuming. 

Juicing, on the other hand, takes the juice out of your fruits and vegetables while separating the pulp. 
This concept is very important for those with active intestinal problems because the chance of the fiber from the pulp causing irritation in your intestines is pretty high. 

So, in removing the fibrous pulp and just consuming the juice, the body will be able to absorb the vitamins and nutrients that has previously been past through the pulp of the vegetables and fruit consumed. This is not only important to maintain a healthy balance in ones body, but also to help your body to fight and defend itself from bugs and give it the tools it needs for repair.

For me, today will be day 11 of my flare. I have been bleeding intestinally, having many (10-20) uncomfortable BM's and having A LOT of pain and cramping. I'm really tired and have lost a lot of my appetite due to the pain and discomfort. Even the thought of going to the bathroom is stressful, causing me to rethink my food consumption. So, I'm basically going to be using my body for this experiment in seeing if juicing will help my symptoms and maybe my flare all together.

My diet today:

• 7am-Juice: 6-carrots, 4-handfuls of spinach, 1-small beet, 3 celery stalks, 1/2-english cucumber,  1 lemon.
• 9:30am-10 carrots juiced
• 11:00am-small amount of lunch leftovers
• 12:15pm- 10-carrots, 4-handfuls of spinach, 5-celery stalks, 1/2- english cucumber, 1 lemon,     2-green apples, and a bit of ginger (the size of the  tip of your little finger)

I'm excited to see how this all works and if it helps…less than half a day is not enough time to see if there's any healing going on, but there's always tomorrow! I'll let ya'all know! 

Updates…I know…So, Boring!

Okay…So, first off, my sweet beautiful little boy is doing better! He definitely had hives, but to my surprise the doctor thinks that the hives were because of an allergic reaction to the amoxicillin that he had when we were trying to get rid of his pneumonia.
 It Actually makes sense…Looking back, I was allergic to amoxicillin when I was a kid, as well. I feel a little funny that I didn't think of this before…but to my defense, he has had amoxicillin before when he was five (that's when he had a bout of pneumonia the first time) and had no reaction.

(just a small example of the hives that developed all over him….even his poor little face)

They haven't ruled out the tree nuts just yet…we have to go to an allergist specialist to do testing JUST IN CASE. As for right now, we are helping him with over the counter Anti-histimine and Anti-itch lotion. Thank God, he's feeling better!
It was torturous for me, as a mom, watching my baby suffer…it was pretty bad. Now, we wait for him to heal and get better (the hives can continue to re-occur for weeks-to-months).

Now…update on my colitis….I'm still suffering.
Yeah…its been really, really sucky.
I am in partial denial on how bad it's been…I've been bleeding for almost two weeks. There has been some help with natural remedies, but I need more.
 I have had to wait to buy juicing vegetables because of our tight budget wouldn't allow…but our tax refund has finally come and I can afford the beautiful variety of vegetables that have the power of healing in them. Yay!
So, now that I can juice, I might actually get some relief…I will let you know about that soon too…

Poor Baby! Good thing I have IAHS!!!

So, as a Mother the idea of a full nights rest is really a notion of the past ( pre-children). There are the rare times that my children actually do, sleep through the night, and I actually do get some wonderful sleep. But, wonderful "mother sleep" is nothing compared to the AMAZING pre-children sleep that one used to get. With "mother sleep" there is an automatic physical phenomenon…it's called "Involuntary Auditory Half-Sleep"(IAHS). This is when a parent gets the rest that is only needed as the body has the ability to awaken at any moment due to any noise that their offspring is making….and I mean ANY Noise!

It's true!
Unless a parent medicates enough to disable this phenomenon, there is usually no stopping IAHS.
Of course, there is an exception to such a thing…It's when there are two parents, and only one of these two is the one who usually gets up during the night while the other continues to sleep. This pattern usually starts at birth and the parent that usually bypasses IAHS is the male species, as the female is usually the one that needs to feed the infants.
It's because of this phenomenon that I imagine that there will only be truly sleep when I am going through another phase called "Empty Nest Syndrome".
But, as a mother of two young children, I believe that this ability and phenomenon is a good thing. I can hear them every time they need me. Last night was no exception.
I was up half the night due to my son breaking out in hives. My poor little boy started having itchy feet at around midnight. Then slowly but surely he started breaking out on his torso, buttocks, and limbs. He even has a hive on his face.
This was the first time that my little boy of almost 7years has ever had an allergic reaction. What I think it might be?…Walnuts.
An allergy to walnuts is a little bit nerve racking to me, as there has never been any type of allergy to nuts on either side of my husbands or my family, and nuts are a huge part of all of our diets. My son has had a love for peanuts since he was little and has never had a problem.
With walnuts, he never really had the desire to eat any, so I never pushed it on him. I think that the only reason that he decided to eat them last night was because of a colorful conversation that we had at dinner time about cave-men and what they used to eat. That conversation intrigued him and after dinner he asked for walnuts…and pine nuts (the reason that I don't think it's pine nuts is because he has had an abundant amount of pine nuts in the past with no symptoms…but I won't rule it out completely).
So, last night I tried to help the itching with the only thing that I had on hand- cortisone cream. It did help, and this morning the hives that first started to appear are starting to disappear… but he still itches and we need to see the doctor…who knows, we might actually need to have an allergy test done…
Well, now we have had another application of cortisone cream and are waiting for the doctor's office to open… the rest is "To Be Determined".
And this is what I will be like from now on….

Keeping up and with a good attitude

Today is a little worse (gut wise). I've been running to the bathroom so many times that I actually lost count. So…though I am in denial most of the time…I am definitely having a full-on flare with my Ulcerative Colitis. The frequency and the blood are all I need to admit that something is not right.
So…There are many roots that I can go to try to heal myself. But, finding the right choice for me is the difficult decision. Mainly there's the Western Medicine root and there's the Natural root. Either way it's not easy. Either way there is suffering involved. But…with the Natural root, at least I feel somewhat in control of what decisions happen with my body. I love to see the amazing power that nature has to offer. Doctors are very intelligent, but with all that intelligence there seems to be a lack of common sense. First, they seem to ignore the fact that everyone and their bodies react differently and that there are many different things that can cause the same illness in different people…and with that, there are many different ways to healing people with the same illness. The problem with that is that doctors nowadays do not have the ability or time to take each patient and see what their individual needs might be. That is why I am deciding to take on my flare-up in my own hands.

• I have already stopped any form of alcohol consumption, I am not eating any fried or processed foods.
• Now I need to get my tax refund so that I can buy some beautiful organic vegetables to juice. I have had flares before that I have juiced to heal. Vegetables are amazing tools to heal our bodies. 
• With a flare I need to stop eating any nuts, and highly fibrous foods…THIS IS WHAT IS HARD FOR ME! I love nuts, dried fruit, and vegetables galore!!! I could eat all of these things all the time…They're my favorite foods. But…once my flare is corrected and calmed I can slowly reintroduce my favorite foods.

There IS relief at the end of this pit of flames…keeping positive is a huge part of healing too. Being thankful for everything and giving God gratitude even in the struggle helps me mentally and emotionally. This is very important, as the attitude of gratitude has a major effect on my brain…and the brain is the most powerful tool that anyone has. The brain has the ability to harness healing powers as well.
Breathing helps too. Taking the time, for as little as it might seem (especially with kids), is very important. It calms the body, mind and soul. It helps you meditate and pray. It allows oxygen to enter your body and boost healing.

I'm still not 100%, but will plug along and take each moment as it comes. I will update you soon...

Ulcerative Colitis SUCKS!

Yep…I said it. 

It's funny, cause I totally understand why sick people become depressed when they are feeling sick. I don't feel depressed right now, but I can see how others would become so…especially those who are terminal and have worsening symptoms.
One major reason is because of the feeling of isolation and being alone. When you're sick, you can't be as active as a healthy person, or as social for that matter…it causes one to feel alone.
Also, Others really CAN'T understand another persons pain unless they have...

1. The ability to be super sensitive to other people and their needs. This is very possible…just rare nowadays with the rise of narcissism.
2. Been sick themselves and know the pain and isolation.

The feeling of Isolation is real!

So, as you may tell…I am having a flare-up. One of those damning things that takes away from the quality of life that I desperately hold dear and try hard not to take for granted.
I am a mom…and a stay-at-home one for the most par.
Most think that that fact alone would make my life easier: I could rest all day with my feet up, eating bonbons and watch soap operas…WRONG!!!

This is the life I live with a flare-up…

• I get up as early as I can to "enjoy" a cup of coffee and read my bible before my children wake up. 

With a flare-up, coffee is not good for you, as it causes you to go to the bathroom even more. That is one thing that you kinda want to avoid, as the more you "go" the more you cramp and bleed. BUT…if I don't have my morning cup of coffee…I am asking for a migraine-One of the wonderful things that has been pasted down in my genetic gene pool from my mother. So…any of you who have had a migraine…a true migraine…know that stomach cramps over a migraine is much easier to cope with.

• I then have to run around trying to get the kids ready for the day/school. Making breakfast, making lunches, making sure they're dressed appropriately for the cold/hot weather, and doing all of this while having multiple runs to the bathroom.

A Clue To The Panic Of Bathroom Breaks…

Do you remember the scene in the movie "Dumb and Dumber" when Harry, who unknowingly ingested the large amount of laxatives that Lloyd gave him, had an acute attack and had to RUN to the bathroom. Well, that's pretty close to what it's like…without the humor, but always at a bad time.

If only it was THIS funny!

• On the way to dropping of the kids at school, I know all the available bathroom stops, and pray that there is no need for a stop…especially the places that there is no available bathroom.
• At home, the need for food is much higher than the want for food. You're hungry because your body needs the nutrition, but you know that the more you eat, the more you'll have to go, and that idea alone is enough for someone to loose their appetite.
• Trying to get housework done is not too hard, except for the unexpected run to the bathroom half way through a task.
• Then there are errands…you only do what you HAVE TO, and leave the rest for your spouse or another time all together - hopefully leaving it for a time when you're feeling better, or more adventurous. 

Then there is the talk of healing…how does one with my condition heal from this? This is a totally loaded question…one for another post. I just want those who are reading this to understand that the pain and the turmoil is real…

 and that those who are going through this as well…You're NOT alone! 

There are tons of others going through this right now at this exact moment. 

It's not fun and is a bowl full of emotional and physical feelings. 

Find time to vent…blog, journal, call a trusted family member or friend, talk to a counselor.

You should be able to ease your stress in many different HEALTHY ways. 

I will touch on the healing topic a little later…My idea of healing the gut might be a little different...

Hand art duplicated

I am dealing with healing... In many ways, actually. How does one heal? Faith and prayer, positive attitude and gratitude, forgiveness and love. Another way I, myself heal physically is to find ways to relax, and as a mom that is far from easy, yet the answer for me is somewhat simple.

 Creating Art.

I always have a continuous flow of things that I am creating. The key is to have such things around at all times and still find them fun and not get overwhelmed…AND to actually finish them. I have friends who are so very talented and have the most amazing ideas, yet they never finish what they started. They get burnt out and burdened by the tasks at hand. I have been there…I have been that person. But, I have found the way to consistency and to enjoy myself with all projects that I am working on. Some for others and some for fun!
A friend of mine bought me a book for Christmas called "The Beauty of Zentangle". It's a wonderful and inspiring book. I've had a lot of fun going through it…getting ideas here and there. My friend who bought the book for me said that there was a drawing in the book that she was drawn to…She said that she wanted me to do my own version of it. I haven't done it with ALL my own designs, for now I thought that I would do my own version of the artist, Goretti Lewis.
Today I finished my version.

This is my freehand version…VERY similar and almost exact to Goretti Lewis'. I look forward to doing another version will all my own designs.

Here is a photo of my drawing and Goretti Lewis'. Mine is on the left and Lewis' is on the right…

The healing of the winter sun

I'm nursing my head from a migraine and my mind from anxious thoughts. The head has been better, but my thoughts have had a hard time getting out of the resent funk.

They say that the sun has the ability to help aide in a persons mind when the winter blues have set in. I'm not sure if that is indeed what I have, but I figure that it would not hurt. So, I am sitting here on my front porch, taking a repreeve from my maternal duties and trying hard not to feel stressed or overwhelmed.

I will pray too. 

The Trials that Linger and Challenges that Fade...

Everyday seems to have different challenges and trials…Some harder than others.
The last few days seem that I have been overwhelmed with both. I have an eye problems, migraines and I started my wonderful monthly ritual of bodily functions.

My son has been sick for about two weeks and I finally took him into the doctor who says he has pneumonia …Now this has been a tricky situation. He really truly has been sick, but my poor baby is such a wonderful person and loves life…he has a hard time just sitting around and doing nothing. He  wants to be out, and run enjoying the world that surrounds him. But, because he's been sick, he has had to stay inside, staying pretty still and not getting too physically active…and he has had to endure the constant presence of his little sister. We all love her to death, but she can be a pre-Madonna/ pain in the derriere (probably due to her terrible-three-syndrome).
I'm exhausted from life's events and feel physically, mentally  and emotionally spent.
Because of the tiring weekend that just past, I have hardly done anything nor had the energy to do anything for myself. No jogging, no drawing, no writing and no music.
I'm hoping that we will all be on the mend soon….

My morning jog

I said I'd do it, and I meant what I said! 

I got my butt up early to get ready and after I dropped my son off at school, I hit the pavement! It felt great! I love the burn in my legs, glutes and lungs. I'm not as fast as I was before I took my "too long of a break", but I'm not worried. I will get back up there. 

This was my view in front of me as I push my little bunny girl up a hill in her jogging stroller. You can just make the top of her purple bunny beanie.

Here is an attempt at taking a selfie while running…I'm such a dork!

The majestic storm-clouds gathering. Yay! I beat the rain! Clouds are always one thing that I love to watch. They tell a story in all their shapes, shades and movements.

This picture shows no justice to the view that I saw at the top of the hill that I jogged. The Sierra Mountain Range is far in the distance and with the naked eye you could see the snow that was already on the peaks. So beautiful.

And here is our own Mt. Diablo...

On my cool-down, My little princess and I walk around the park near my son's school. She like to "flap her wings" and pretend that she can fly. The innocence is adorable.

And finally… my DD said "mommy! take a picture of this bush!" so…I did.

And there you have it! I did it! I got up and went for a jog. Now…when will be the next day that I will be able to do this again?...

Dreams

I am a dreamer…both day and night.

I like to think that it is a gift. I have the ability to live another life, or multiple lives in the dreams that I manifest. 

Last night I had dreams of people that I haven't seen in years and even a few people that I hadn't even met before, but know about through friends. 

Sometimes I wake up and wonder…

…right?

But, I'm sure that there's some psycological explanation that my subconsciousness must have heard something, seen something, etc. that triggered the dream.

For some dreams, I totally get that! Others… I don't know.

I have had prophetic dreams. I dreamt of both of my children before they were born and before I even knew their sex. In my dream I saw that they were a boy and girl and saw their hair and eye color. 

While I was pregnant with my son, I was still working in a dental office. I had a co-worker who had been trying to get pregnant for a while, too. Finally she and her husband received the good news that they had a baby on the way. She needed tests more regularly for a variety of reasons. On one of the tests they realized that the baby didn't have a heartbeat. This was tragic for the whole office. And because of how far along she was, she was going to have to go through a birthing procedure to remove the baby. The procedure was going to happen within a week. It was the night before I saw her after she went for a confirmation test (a test that I had no knowledge of) that I had a dream. I vividly remember her coming into the office and telling me that she went in for another test and that the doctor found a heartbeat!!! I remember how I felt after I had the dream…I told myself that I wasn't going to say anything to her because I didn't want to upset her. The pain that she was going through of loosing a pregnancy would be multiplied if I told her my "silly dream". Well…That morning, I went into work (fat belly and all) and my co-worker came in and told be that she went in for one last appointment and they found a heartbeat!!!! I was in shock…I feel bad now, because I didn't want her good news to be about me, but I had to blurt out, "I just dreamt of this!!!!". This new was so wonderful and great! We were all buzzing and excited!!! The Dr…not so much, because he knew that he was going to loose two employees for a while. 

I've have dreams of tragedies. Now, this is rare. Because this doesn't happen very often, I do not claim even the slightest of paranormal stuff ( like being physic or anything), but I do believe that it is a gift…a God given one. 

I also believe that it is hereditary. My mother has dreams, too. There have been few times when we would have the same dream on the same night and we wouldn't share it until it came true…Now THAT's a mind trip! She, as I do, dreams every night. She has WILD dreams. She dreams a lot and it comes out in the conscious world. She screams, yells and flails around in bed while she dreams, usually waking my dad up and sometimes waking herself up.

Now, I have read a lot of articles about dreams and what they might mean and why some people dream and others don't. There are a lot of people (some with wonderful educational backgrounds) that have a lot of different opinions. I have one too. 

I believe that everyone that has active dreams must know that:

1. You MUST realize what happens in your waking life that might be having an effect on your dreams. Example: Watching gory and scary movies makes me have nightmares and is why I will no longer watch them.

2. You must take each dream with a grain of salt. Most dreams are your mind trying to sort thoughts and events  in your mind. Some dreams don't mean anything for your waking life.

3.Though some dreams may not mean anything to your waking life, it is still a good idea to take notice of it, especially when it is something that is profound and sometimes a reoccurring dream. I believe that some people are given the gift of dreams, and it is up to them to take responsibility to apply them correctly and to meditate and pray about them.

4.Talk about your dreams regularly. You will find many other people who have dreamt the same thing or who are dreaming the same thing on a regular basis. It is good to be able to make connections with other people about your dreams. It can be healing, too. Almost a form of therapy.

Well, That's it for now on the dream talks…I have waking children. I'm sure that there will be more to share on the topic soon.

XOXO MerMom

Need time for me.

I'm sitting here on the couch at the end of the day, smelling the aftermath of my manicure I just gave myself and watching an episode of SVU on Netflix.
It was a busy yet unproductive day.

Okay, maybe I am being a little hard on myself…
I did make a yummy dinner, did a load of laundry, picked up the house, worked on posts (both personal and business) , worked on my artwork and managed to not only take care of my children (who are both sick with colds and a cough) but had fun with them. 

So, my question to myself is..."why do I feel so unproductive and unfulfilled? Why am I feeling so restless?" ...

The answer might actually be more simple than most realize.
I believe that what I am feeling is the residual trickle down of the prolonged lack of exercise.
For a while, my regular routine included running/jogging 3 times a week. Now, for the past month my routine has been severely thrown off course.
I have gone running for maybe a handful of times. 

This has been tough for me; My opertunities have been hard to come by.
For me, exercise is more than staying healthy. It helps me relieve anxiety and stress, and helps me keep the mindset that I am at least partially in control of my life. 

So... I am feeling a little out of control... I need to get that back.
 Tomorrow I will run.
Rain or shine I will pound the pavement!!!!

My Art in a Nutshell

I'm a California Native Artist…I find inspiration in EVERYTHING!!!! I like pretty, inspiring and meaningful art. I like lots of colors, too!  I hope that you like what I have been working on, completed and evolved from….

This is a new one that I started..

Below is a new one that I need to color…I was inspired a while ago by my sister-in-law who had at the time started a Facebook page called "Baby-wearers Of Color". It encouraged people of all races and cultures to carry their children with raps and carriers. This concept caught my imagination and I started a series of drawing of mothers carrying their babies…I'm looking forward to completing this one and drawing others in this category.

Mermaids…The first two are in watercolor and the third is in pencil and pastel...





A watercolor of Asilomar Beach in Pacific Grove. It was originally a photo that My best friend took that I loved and thought that I would duplicate.




This elephant is done in pencil and pastel. It was a gift for a friend of a friend that is going through chemo…One of my favorites!



Along with painting and drawing, I make memorable and beautiful dreamcatchers. I make most of them with a sea-theme…sea shells, and ocean themed beads.



Another series that I am starting is the "eye" series…This is an exotic one!




My colorful lotus flower.


My colorful "Star Fairie"...



This is a reversible pastel that I made for my best friend…We are always talking about how we are yin and yang…opposites that work together...

Missing my Salty Water

I'm a beach child... I grew up near the beach. I remember listening to the sealions bark and the waves crash as I lay in my bed trying to fall asleep as a child. I remember sand in my hair, and my dirty blonde hair getting sun bleached and the taste of salt in my throat and nose as I learned to surf. I remember heavenly sunsets and bonfires. I remember feeling exhausted after a day in the water. I remember feeling connected to my peers who loved the beach as I did.

But then I grew up…and I fell in love…we moved farther away from the ocean, and I was okay with it at first. Now, as my husband provides diligently for my family at his job, we find ourselves farther from the water…not so much physically, but emotionally.

We just recently spent a day at the beach near to where I grew up. It has made me miss my salt water with a vengeance.I walked the sand for hours, swam in the sea for almost as long. Yes, was the middle of January, but the weather delighted in me and my family and gave us a beautiful day that rested in the 70's. My best friend came to spend the day with me. She, my husband and I played dolphins for a while.

My children found sea creatures and with shovels and buckets built sandcastle cities with motes and towers.
we went on adventures and found seashells of all shapes, colors and sizes.
We found the most profound beauty in hidden places...
But most importantly, I felt at home. I felt at peace. I felt no control, but that was okay. I was content and calm. I was surrounded by what I desire most.

New Day, New Thoughts

Today is a new day…with yesterday lingering in the air, new challenges and new messages from all directions take flight. I awoke to crying (which is not unusual since my daughter was born almost four years ago… she's the "child who never sleeps" as my mom and I used to joke about) and had to do my mommy soothing to try to get my daughter back to sleep at 6am, though it didn't work and instead woke my sick 6 year old.
Now…usually every morning I try to wake at a decently early time so that I can spend time drinking my coffee in peace and reading my Bible without interruptions. Unfortunately half the time this intention is in vain.
Most of the time I am woken earlier than my alarm and/or my children are awake and bugging the crud out of me…
One day I will miss it…one day I will look back and say "awe! they were sooo cute!" But right now…as a mom who has very little time to herself, and very little time to think…write…BREATHE without being interrupted (I've been interrupted 10 times since I've started writing this…not including the time that I had to discipline my 6 year old for bugging his little sister while she was in the bathroom)…I'm not looking at my situation as anything cute.

Don't get me wrong…I love being a mom, and I feel beyond blessed that I am able to be mostly a stay-at-home mom. I may not be "rolling in the dough" or even close for that mater…
We are tight financially, but we are blessed.
We have a roof over our heads, cloths to wear, and food to eat. We have two vehicles (which I heard makes us wealthy compared to the rest of the world). 
Though I am truly blessed, I am flawed (as so many are) in wanting more…of dreaming of a peace that is earthly unattainable. I have many fleeting thoughts of want of things that very few have. 
What are these things that I want?
-I'd love to be debt free (it would take a lot of stress off my husband who is the sole provider)
-I'd love to have a vacation…even  a long weekend at a nice beach (we can't afford the slightest vaca)
-I'd love to be able to afford supplies for my art (I am an artist)
-I'd love to have the help from family (the ability to have a break from my children and be able to go out on a date with my husband…to be able to have a couple hours to myself to be able to do WHATEVER I WANT!!!) My family and my husbands family live 2-3 hours away. They rarely come to visit and we can't afford to go down there very often. My parents have a hard time wanting to watch my kids, and my sister hasn't come to visit me in over two years.
-I'd love to live walking distance to…anything. We live 20 minutes from any town. I have to drive to do anything and can't stand it. It's a waste of gas which is a waste of money. I can't stand the fact that I can't afford the mistake of forgetting something at the store.
-I'd love to own property. I would love to own earth to grow vegetables and fruits. I'd love to own land to teach my children about raising animals. I'd love to have chickens, myself.

Wow! I just had a major bitchfest! Sorry…I will try to be more positive in the future.